Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

forever is a long, long time when you lost your way

Today's post title is from my favourite Guitar Hero song "Lasso" by Phoenix. My roommate Michelle bought a Nintendo Wii a few weeks back and it's really been more fun that I imagined. I am especially loving the music games, as I am a frustrated karaoke queen, and am a lot better on guitar than I thought I'd be. It's nice just to kick back and have fun with Michelle anyway. We realised yesterday that we've been living in our skanky Juliette Lewis duplex for a year now -- and so much has changed during that time. We were both single back then, and now are seeing really great guys, and we were both in a more precarious mental state than we are (mostly!) now. I think living there has been good for me, she definitely inspired me to start internet dating and look how well THAT turned out.

Neil and I are still blissing out on each other and having a lot of fun. We've been extremely social lately, having had two weddings, a hen's/buck's night and a 40th birthday to go to. They were all his friends, of whom he has many, but I'm starting to feel like I fit in with them and they're all pretty welcoming. Neil also rocks because he bought me some new clothes to wear for all these outings as I was feeling a bit "blah" about my wardrobe. He earns a lot more than me, but I still felt uncomfortable about him spending money on me... His previous girlfriend scored a new car from him, as well as a stack of other stuff she didn't deserve (miaow! LOL) and I don't want to be perceived like her. She was very materialistic, from what I can gather. My oldest friend once worked with this girl (as well as with Neil) and she doesn't have a high opinion of her. I think that my struggle to be accepted by Neil's 19 year-old son is proving to be difficult partly because of the last girlfriend.

Although work, family, friends and love life seem to be stable and nice, there are still more moments of panic/black-hole-ness than I would like. I guess it's called recovery for a reason, not "all-better-now". I had to take a Valium at work the other day, for the first time in months, which certainly worked and helped chill me out for the day so I could get through it. But I was disappointed that my regular medication, and the mental effort I am expending on "being normal", wasn't sufficient to keep the nasty away. I had bad PMT as well this month, which is common but annoying. It makes me irritable and shaky as well as the physical aches, cramps and tiredness. Neil knows about most of my mental history, and Doc A, and the meds, but I try not to always be harping on about it. He lost two close family members to suicide, and I feel so damnably guilty and selfish whenever I want to whinge about my low mood. Being with Neil has definitely shown me another side to mental illness, the survivor's side, and Michelle and I often have to adapt our conversation or anecdotes out of respect for his experience. We have both attempted suicide, and have regular suicide ideation (as Doc A would say), but try not to express it when Neil is around. He knows I have been down that road, but I figure he doesn't need reminding of it.

All in all, life is wonderful yet comes with its own minor pitfalls. I'm navigating them...so far... Being around someone kind and loving definitely helps, even though it adds a social pressure to my life in some ways. I am worried about my eating though, and my consequent weight issues. Neil loves his food, and also loves shopping, and those two things are high on my binge-list. I have to try and maintain the weight loss I achieved through my weight loss surgery three years ago, even if I can't manage to lose the rest of the excess weight. I don't want a repeat of the Mr Ex scenario where we both gained 50kg while we were together. No sir, no way.

6 comments:

Lady_Amanda said...

Hi Lil,

Sorry I've been away for a while. You can read my newest post if you wanna know about it. Anyway, that's great your doing better. I also thinks it's great that you realize that you don't want to gain weight just because your in a happy relationship. I have never dealt with an eating diorder, but difantly deal with weight issues. It sounds like for the most part your guy makes you a better person. You said that he makes you think of yourself as being a survior. That's great. I promise to check in more.

Hugs and blessings,
Amanda

In the Pink said...

Oh Lil...I am so happy for you! It sounds like things are going so well. And it is awesome that he bought you a few new clothes. That was so very sweet of him.

Addison said...

I am glad you're doing better. I understand those black hole moments too well right now. :(

You give me hope!

Jane said...

I appreciate how positive you are. You reason with yourself very logically as well. I enjoy you. :)

Jen Daisybee said...

Lil,

I'm glad things are going so well in your life right now, and I hope this happy/positive/joyous streak continues for you for a long time to come! It's good to hear about someone with a mental illness having a good relationship, as I have not had much luck in that area. I'm glad you have found someone who is caring and good to you.

Polar Bear said...

lil,
So happy you've got someone in your life you can have fun and connect with. You’re right about recovery... there will be periods we still fall back into that black hole, but hopefully there will be less of that as time goes by. Hang onto what you’ve got. You’ve got your independence, you’ve got a housemate you enjoy spending time with and a great guy in your life. You deserve all that.