pictures of you

My new profile pic was taken at Roller Derby on the 18th of June. I made some streamers from crepe paper for my team The Bloody Sundaes (who won by one point - yay!).

This is a picture of me and my sweetie taken in Melbourne earlier this year.

Happy Belated US Father's Day. Our Father's Day is celebrated in September, I have no idea why! Here are Neil and Charly sharing a kiss (-:

Just felt like sharing those with you all. In other news, my mood is still low. This morning I did not want to go to work, was dreading it, and all the way here on the bus and train I was thinking about getting off, going to a bottle shop (off-licence) and buying a litre bottle of vodka and then lying down in a park or cemetery somewhere. My bus passes a nice cemetery. It's lush and green and has lots of those very old headstones with the worn-off writing. It looks peaceful in there.

I have two reasons for NOT adding Lamogitrine/Lamictal to my medicinal regime. One, I know it's expensive as it's not on the PBS except if you need it for epilepsy. Recently I found out Sairs from This Lunatic Express is stopping taking it because it's so expensive. SO frustrating when medicine we need is not subsidised by the government. My second reason is that I want to keep Lamictal "up my sleeve" for the next time Cymbalta poops out and stops working. If I start Lamictal now, then what will happen to me in six, twelve months time when I need extra meds??

But I am wondering if the extra Cymbalta is making much difference. I feel perhaps 20% better some of the time. Maybe I just need to give it more time. It's been what...two weeks? Three? I think I need to keep going with it for at least six weeks in order to get the full benefit of the increase. I need to work harder with my thought processes to calm myself and control my impulses.

A good thing that happened last week was my birthday presents from my bestie H arrived from Melbourne. They are awesome!! She sent me this hilarious book called The Action Heroine's handbook, which shows you how to wrestle a man with your bare legs, jump out of a moving train, make molotov cocktails and lots more action heroine stuff. It's great. Another book she sent me is a travel guide for Bangkok as Neil and I are planning a trip to Thailand next November. The parcel included a Hello Kitty furry beanie, Barbie stationery, Bio Oil, a Buddha and heaps more. She is definitely my favourite gift giver! H recently started a blog, by the way, called For The Good, The Bad & The Fugly. Her blogger name is Rainbow B and you should check it out. She's not quite as mental as me and probably will swear more because I try not to in blogland (even though I am a potty mouth in real life).

I went out to the movies last night with my ex-housemate and another one of my BFFs (I have three), Michelle. We saw Bridesmaids and cacked ourselves laughing. It was really funny, and a little crass, and had an adorably cute guy in it. Which always helps! I am incredibly lucky to have my three real-life besties. I thank the universe for them every day. Especially H and Michelle, who both know what it's like to suffer from depression and anxiety. I also adore my blogworld friends, who get me and know me just as well but in different ways. H and I are real-life friends now, but we met in blog world through a Dr Phil website in 2005. So you never know where our awesome blog friendships will end up! I am hoping some day to get to the US/Canada and UK to meet some of my blog pals. And over to the eastern states of Australia to meet up with Sairs and Bec and Miz PRN!

It's Been A Long Time...

...since I loved anything as much as I love my new job at The Foundation. I've tried unsuccessfully to play it cool and be circumspect, now I have to come out with it!! It's completely wonderful - the women in the office are compassionate and supportive and interesting, the work I will be doing is varied and has purpose, and the office is located in a beautiful riverside suburb. These people think I am sent from heaven - my skills are exactly what they need for the position, and so far my disposition seems to fit with them also. Phew. While I have not yet exhaled, I'm letting my breath out (and my guard down) a little bit more each day.

One of the many things I love, and want to rave about, it the fact that the whole office (between 10 and 15 staff depending on the day) sits together and has lunch. I've never experienced that before...and they talk about all kinds of random things, not just work. The psychologists, execs and office staff sit together and chat. It's weird. But nice weird. People listen to my ideas, and ask questions, and my boss M has said a number of times that she knows it will take me a couple of months to find my feet and feel confident in the job. A COUPLE OF MONTHS!! Not three days! Hooray.

It would seem that the best thing that could have happened to me this year is leaving my last job (both the one where I had my breakdown and the one I got sacked from). Because if ever a place was meant to be MY workplace, it's this. The last couple of days have shown me how miserable I've been at work for a long time. Which is undoubtedly why I indulged my hyperattachment BPD side and spent hours formulating and acting on crushes. I was bored, unappreciated, lonely and goal-less. Every day, now, I do things that help The Foundation to help kids (and adults) to read. It's the opposite of where I was 6 months ago.

I am supposed to be off tomorrow but am going into the office for a few hours for training. My work days will usually be Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, which will give me time to catch up on my online world and also see Dr A, etc. The Good Doc is in America for 2 weeks at a Psychiatric Conference, which is the longest I've been without seeing him since February. Thankfully, things seem to be ticking along nicely. He has backup staff in the practice while he's away but I'd rather not have to start over with someone.

There are two main drawbacks with my new job. One is the travelling (1 - 1.5 hours each way on three buses). The other is the financial aspect. Not only am I reduced to part-time hours, but the hourly wage is considerably less than my last job (because it's a charity). I really don't care, as long as I can survive - which I will once I cancel my private health insurance (which has given me nothing except cheaper dental anyway) and my gym membership. Some other stuff might have to go. But it's worth it for a sense of purpose and satisfaction. The travelling will be tiring, but I was travelling almost as much for my last job (and that was 5 days a week).

The post is incredibly dull, I'm sorry - I mainly just wanted to update y'all on the situation. I promise I will make more of an effort soon! To my lovely friends who are struggling just now -- I hope that there are brighter times ahead for you xxx

Things I Know To Be True

1. The two times I tried to kill myself (as in moved past the "screw this, I want to die" phase, into the counting and swallowing pills phase), the repercussions and physical after-effects were exhaustingly prohibitive.
2. If there was a legal, non-painful method of suicide, like voluntary euthanasia for the mentally strapped, I would have chosen it.
3. If it wasn't for logisitical concerns about my cats, and the aforementioned after-effects of overdose, I might still have chosen a non-legal, painful method.
4. Given points one through three, and given that I'm still here and still showing some semblance of fight, maybe I need to accept that I'm still here

By that I mean, trying to make some plans and encourage the tiny unfurlingness of dreams. After all, I would hate to think I stuck around in this life just to exist in a mechanical stupor with no big picture. You know??