what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

I've been applying for new jobs, as this INTERMINABLE contract I'm stuck in finally finishes in January. I started here in March, on a three month data entry job, and am still here nine long, boring, pointless months later. I'm really bad at this job, as I've said here before. Well, not REALLY bad. But not brilliant, which is rare, as I usually over-perform and show off and am the star employee. I just can't get my head around the logistical nature of this data, and sometimes make errors. My boss is really nice but has to point out said errors.


Sigh


Anyway, one of the outcomes of this dreadful job (apart from the fact that I miss so many days of work due to hating it...) is that my employment mojo is completely gone. I want to stay in government and have been browsing the job sites, but even when I clearly CAN do the job, part of me says "no you can't, you're crap". This is partly due to our old friends depression and low self-esteem, but I think a big part of it is my current experience. I've never been rubbish at a job )-: I am such an over-achiever, perfectionist type that even from school days I've wanted to be the best student/employee as well as the most popular. Until I get bored anyway...


I feel like I am at a major crossroads in my career, where I need to step up and find something challenging and interesting that I can achieve in. That's why I left my last proper job, the part-time one, because I wanted something more. And lord help me, I got trapped here in data entry, leather elbow hell.


Sigh


I also struggle with applying for government jobs because of the selection criteria. I don't know if they have them in other countries, but in Oz every government job requires you to address a set of attributes, showing how you have that attribute and using examples. Sometimes they're easy like "good communication skills" but other ones are extremely specific and technical and hard to waffle/bluff about.


In other news, I put up our Christmas tree. This is pretty big news, as it's the first time I've done it since I left Mr Ex - and when we were together, HE insisted on doing it and was extremely anal about it, and HATED tinsel. Bah humbug. Needless to say, this year I added tinsel. I used some of my decorations and some of Neil's, so it's a genuine combination tree for our first Christmas living together (-:



All it needs now is some presents underneath, which I am intending to wrap tonight. I'm feeling quite in the mood for Christmas this year, although I will miss the month's vacation that I used to get with my last job! In this job, I get a week off which is nice. The family are spending three days at a resort, with Christmas lunch in a restaurant, so it should be less stressful than previous years. We are spending Boxing Day with Neil's best friends, whom I also adore, which will be great fun. I am trying hard to be positive, and stay motivated. Fight, fight, fight!!

bounce

First I was bad. Then I was great. Now I'm just in limbo. And by that I don't mean the fun game played with a broomstick. I mean that awful nothing state, where the slightest push can send me rocketing either way. It's like being on the crest of a rollercoaster and knowing that the plummet to darkness is just a millimetre away. I feel like if I try hard enough I will be able to get the happy place back.

The three day Ignite Your Life course was amazing. It inspired me, and challenged me, and since then I've been feeling more positive and worthwhile and able to change. I've been less depressed, not at all suicidal and had more energy. Until... Until. Until. Until. There's always an "until" isn't there? Or an "and then/but then". I'm so grateful for the two and a half weeks of strength and sanity but WHY does it have to end? Monday morning dawned and my old friend lethargy was back, with apathy and self-loathing not far behind. Of course I could have, and should have, used the strategies I learned in the course to change my mental state and try to motivate myself... Instead I spent the next two days in bed feeling the old depression envelop me. I guess I felt comforted in some way, it's easier to slip back into old patterns than try to develop new ones, right?

I'm frustrated that I am not "cured".

I know that it's impossible, but I still kind of wanted it.

Even though I am the first to tell people you need to work hard at recovery and illness management, in the end I am a lazy SOB who wanted an easy way out.

The teachers I met at Ignite Your Life would say I'm using the mental illness, depression, suicide "game" to try and gain attention, connection with others, and self-worth. They're right, because while I definitely have mental illness, it's my choice how that illness manifests itself and how far I let it take hold of my life. I definitely had a choice Monday morning and I made the choice to remain trapped in the depression cycle.

All I can do now is try to switch my mental state and embrace happy, energising, positive thoughts. Which might be (IS!) tiring, but is certainly within my capabilities. I'll let you know how it goes :-D

how many times could you have blown a kiss...

...but instead you swung your fist? My favourite band at the moment are The View, and that line is from their song "Beautiful". I like that line because it sums up how much of life is choice, and how much choice affects our self-esteem. I am trying to be more positive this week, in an attempt to re-wire my mind/body connection and perhaps feel healthier. Wish me luck!

In the spirit of such things, I am copying some of my favourite bloggers (Sarah at This Lunatic Express and D'Arty at Living In Iowa as well as the fabulous Wandering Coyote) and writing a post about the positive things in my life. It may end up being short haha! But it's something I don't "do", and should. I am grateful for a lot, and need to focus on that rather than feeling sorry for myself. So here goes.

• My relationship with my angel Neil is healthy, and happy, and he's a damn fine bloke. I'm lucky!



• Biological Family continues to be a positive experience, after many years of the opposite. My mum is finally in therapy, which is great for her but also the rest of us (-:



• We recently got a new addition to the family, Roxy - an 18 month old cat who belongs to Neil's son Jarrad but is equally loved by all of us. Except my cat Charly, who is not one to play well with others... Here's Roxy...

• My ten pin bowling team No Deal are placed second in our league, and considering we are an all-girl team that's pretty awesome! Traditionally men bowl better than women, apparently. Blah.



• Michelle (my former housemate) and I have tickets to the Roller Derby on May 21st which will be freakin' wicked!!



• I no longer have to take valium regularly to survive work, even though I'm working fulltime. It's a fairly dull job, but worthwhile, and I'm left alone doing it. It's quiet and low stress.



• I have an appointment with Doctor Graeme, my lovely GP, on Friday and will be able to organise some blood tests and a referral to my Immunologist Doctor Paul. Steps towards better health!



• I am incredibly fortunate to have support from this madosphere, the mental health bloggers, who are terrific and wise and funny and brave. Thank you!

I have to admit, I feel happier for having made that list. It cancels out all the worries and stresses I normally have on my mind. Maybe I will have to make it a regular thing. Neil and I are currently in the midst of a Buffy The Vampire Slayer marathon, after seeing the original movie on television a couple of weeks ago. I have all the DVDs (and Angel). My latest saying has become "What Would Buffy Do??" when I get negative. While I'm not planning on taking up staking or kick boxing, having an attitude of strength and survival is all-too-important.

No More Guilty Left To Pardon

I was browsing in a bookstore on Friday night, after a difficult and tiring week, when things became even more hideous. I saw my father. He was pretentious and fancy-suited in the literature section, looking at Joan London's "The Good Parents". Okay, I didn't really see the book he was holding, but afterwards (during the vomit/rant/vomit phase) I laughed to myself that it was probably some such thing. Thankfully, although he glanced my way (and I was only 20 feet from him), he didn't recognise or acknowledge me and I was able to slink away, shaking and feeling the Black Empty invading my insides once more. I haven't seen him, or contacted him, in eleven years yet I knew without a doubt who he was - a visceral reaching out that surpassed any negativity or memory. Part of me felt like the four year old he walked away from and didn't contact again (until forced to 14 years later). Part of me wished I resembled the semi-confident, only partly-mental 28 year old I was the last time he hurt me. But most of me just had to run away and throw up the lovely meal I'd had with work colleagues, and then sit shaking and enraged on the train home.

A few people looked at me as if I was on drugs, and catching a glimpse of myself in the window I could see why. It's weird how emotional and mental challenges reflect in the physical being. I was pale, shivering, fighting back tears, wanting to smash something, desperately desperately wanting to EAT (even though I'd been throwing up into a trash can just moments earlier). I managed to get home without incident, and was fairly composed by the time I got here - rather than ranting or screaming I just made a passing comment to Mom about this small-town-city, and how I'm lucky to have not run into him before now. She, in Queen of Denial mode, said something like "Oh, you shouldn't let people like that upset you". No kidding LOL.

Seeing him, and then in the hour or so coming home afterwards, I could feel the Great Unravelling start. I'd already been having a stressful week (divorce papers, tax returns, pain-in-the-ass work colleague, hormones, yadayada) and I clearly saw looming the coming apart of all my hard work, and my hard-won stability. And you know what, I thought

FUCK
THAT
SHIT.

Excuse the profanity all! But I truly thought to myself, Lil, this can go either way and you get to chose where you end up. So I practised some DBT (Self-Soothed, Distress Tolerated) and talked myself down from the anger. I simply REFUSE to let him hurt me any more. This episode showed me that techniques like Mindfulness and the Non-Judgemental Stance have become comfortable for me, as they came into my mind fairly quickly when the Emotion Mind started to create havoc. I know a lot of people question DBT, and consider it to be jargonistic and over-simplified. I've read some criticism of it, and a lot of praise, and the praise seems to come from people who have used it to become well. That's enough for me, I suppose, and I think it's the best recommendation - people who are managing their Borderline Personality Disorder are often doing so by using the skills of DBT. That's what I want more than anything, to be well and healing. It was a rough couple of days this week, but (as I've said before) those are the ones that really test us - right?

The photo at the start is one of only three or four photos I have of myself with my father. I think I could already tell he was an imposter. My expression certainly hints at it...

(*Post title is from Iron & Wine's song "A Book Unfinished")

It's Been A Long Time...

...since I loved anything as much as I love my new job at The Foundation. I've tried unsuccessfully to play it cool and be circumspect, now I have to come out with it!! It's completely wonderful - the women in the office are compassionate and supportive and interesting, the work I will be doing is varied and has purpose, and the office is located in a beautiful riverside suburb. These people think I am sent from heaven - my skills are exactly what they need for the position, and so far my disposition seems to fit with them also. Phew. While I have not yet exhaled, I'm letting my breath out (and my guard down) a little bit more each day.

One of the many things I love, and want to rave about, it the fact that the whole office (between 10 and 15 staff depending on the day) sits together and has lunch. I've never experienced that before...and they talk about all kinds of random things, not just work. The psychologists, execs and office staff sit together and chat. It's weird. But nice weird. People listen to my ideas, and ask questions, and my boss M has said a number of times that she knows it will take me a couple of months to find my feet and feel confident in the job. A COUPLE OF MONTHS!! Not three days! Hooray.

It would seem that the best thing that could have happened to me this year is leaving my last job (both the one where I had my breakdown and the one I got sacked from). Because if ever a place was meant to be MY workplace, it's this. The last couple of days have shown me how miserable I've been at work for a long time. Which is undoubtedly why I indulged my hyperattachment BPD side and spent hours formulating and acting on crushes. I was bored, unappreciated, lonely and goal-less. Every day, now, I do things that help The Foundation to help kids (and adults) to read. It's the opposite of where I was 6 months ago.

I am supposed to be off tomorrow but am going into the office for a few hours for training. My work days will usually be Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, which will give me time to catch up on my online world and also see Dr A, etc. The Good Doc is in America for 2 weeks at a Psychiatric Conference, which is the longest I've been without seeing him since February. Thankfully, things seem to be ticking along nicely. He has backup staff in the practice while he's away but I'd rather not have to start over with someone.

There are two main drawbacks with my new job. One is the travelling (1 - 1.5 hours each way on three buses). The other is the financial aspect. Not only am I reduced to part-time hours, but the hourly wage is considerably less than my last job (because it's a charity). I really don't care, as long as I can survive - which I will once I cancel my private health insurance (which has given me nothing except cheaper dental anyway) and my gym membership. Some other stuff might have to go. But it's worth it for a sense of purpose and satisfaction. The travelling will be tiring, but I was travelling almost as much for my last job (and that was 5 days a week).

The post is incredibly dull, I'm sorry - I mainly just wanted to update y'all on the situation. I promise I will make more of an effort soon! To my lovely friends who are struggling just now -- I hope that there are brighter times ahead for you xxx

"Star" Of The Week

In case the cheerleader didn't give it away - I got the job! My dream job, helping out with events and admin for a literacy charity, starts on Tuesday and I couldn't be more thrilled. In contrast to my last ill-fated new job, which I was dreading and felt nervous about, I can't wait to get started at DF. I went there today to sign the paperwork and meet everyone -- the clincher for me is that there are no men working there! As much as I love blokes (love them too much, to my detriment haha), I think that having them in my workplace has been a major distraction for me. No doubt I will be lamenting their absence soon!! When I get bored and cast my eyes around the office for some eye candy...

Although it sounds trite, I have been desperately wanting a job that gave something back to the community. It's something I've talked about to my friends and family for the last year, and this opportunity is wonderful. I love reading, am passionate about it, and helping people to read is a dream come true. Also, the job will use my wide range of skills - unlike other jobs I've had which focused more on either PR/marketing or office admin, this one has both aspects. I'm excited for the first time in months.

Last night I picked up my birthday present (a month early!), which was my new ten pin bowling ball.

It may be a coincidence but the first frame I bowled was 60 pins over average (which qualifies for a Star of The Week Certificate lol). I've only been bowling since January but I truly love it, even at my lowest points this year I've managed to get to league and smile and have fun. I owe my friend Michelle EVERYTHING for introducing me to ten pin - our team is called No Deal and we have heaps of goofy sayings and signals. Crazy, but fun. My parents and Mr Ex clubbed together to buy my new ball - they rock! I've named her "Pinky".

So all in all, a great couple of days. I'm hoping to get to the gym tomorrow and do some grocery shopping. Looking after the family is tricky, but I'm finding organisation helps (menu planning, timetables, etc!!) Two adults (plus me), four cats and a dog are all being fed and medicated correctly and on time. In some ways, I'm finding having the extra responsibility is a good motivator. If I don't drag my arse out of bed and cook dinner then everyone goes hungry, not just me. Mum called and she is having a terrific time, which is great - I'm so happy I managed to keep it together long enough for her to feel she could leave us all without me cracking up. If she'd missed out on this trip because of my illness I would have been devastated. I hope she brings me back something cool from Laos! I collect snow globes but somehow I don't think they have a lot of those in the Golden Triangle...