pictures of you

My new profile pic was taken at Roller Derby on the 18th of June. I made some streamers from crepe paper for my team The Bloody Sundaes (who won by one point - yay!).

This is a picture of me and my sweetie taken in Melbourne earlier this year.

Happy Belated US Father's Day. Our Father's Day is celebrated in September, I have no idea why! Here are Neil and Charly sharing a kiss (-:

Just felt like sharing those with you all. In other news, my mood is still low. This morning I did not want to go to work, was dreading it, and all the way here on the bus and train I was thinking about getting off, going to a bottle shop (off-licence) and buying a litre bottle of vodka and then lying down in a park or cemetery somewhere. My bus passes a nice cemetery. It's lush and green and has lots of those very old headstones with the worn-off writing. It looks peaceful in there.

I have two reasons for NOT adding Lamogitrine/Lamictal to my medicinal regime. One, I know it's expensive as it's not on the PBS except if you need it for epilepsy. Recently I found out Sairs from This Lunatic Express is stopping taking it because it's so expensive. SO frustrating when medicine we need is not subsidised by the government. My second reason is that I want to keep Lamictal "up my sleeve" for the next time Cymbalta poops out and stops working. If I start Lamictal now, then what will happen to me in six, twelve months time when I need extra meds??

But I am wondering if the extra Cymbalta is making much difference. I feel perhaps 20% better some of the time. Maybe I just need to give it more time. It's been what...two weeks? Three? I think I need to keep going with it for at least six weeks in order to get the full benefit of the increase. I need to work harder with my thought processes to calm myself and control my impulses.

A good thing that happened last week was my birthday presents from my bestie H arrived from Melbourne. They are awesome!! She sent me this hilarious book called The Action Heroine's handbook, which shows you how to wrestle a man with your bare legs, jump out of a moving train, make molotov cocktails and lots more action heroine stuff. It's great. Another book she sent me is a travel guide for Bangkok as Neil and I are planning a trip to Thailand next November. The parcel included a Hello Kitty furry beanie, Barbie stationery, Bio Oil, a Buddha and heaps more. She is definitely my favourite gift giver! H recently started a blog, by the way, called For The Good, The Bad & The Fugly. Her blogger name is Rainbow B and you should check it out. She's not quite as mental as me and probably will swear more because I try not to in blogland (even though I am a potty mouth in real life).

I went out to the movies last night with my ex-housemate and another one of my BFFs (I have three), Michelle. We saw Bridesmaids and cacked ourselves laughing. It was really funny, and a little crass, and had an adorably cute guy in it. Which always helps! I am incredibly lucky to have my three real-life besties. I thank the universe for them every day. Especially H and Michelle, who both know what it's like to suffer from depression and anxiety. I also adore my blogworld friends, who get me and know me just as well but in different ways. H and I are real-life friends now, but we met in blog world through a Dr Phil website in 2005. So you never know where our awesome blog friendships will end up! I am hoping some day to get to the US/Canada and UK to meet some of my blog pals. And over to the eastern states of Australia to meet up with Sairs and Bec and Miz PRN!

all the small things

Here's a Cat Versus Human comic I had to share, as it emphasises to me why a lot of us mentally interesting folk love our kittehs and goggies (dogs for those of you unfamiliar with LOLcat lingo!).

My cat Charly is usually in two minds about my depression. She HATES me crying and sniffling but she loves to lay in bed with me for hours. Regardless, there is no doubt she makes me feel better most of the time. For this one of her middle names is "Prozac" (full name Charly Louise Feral Beryl Prozac S). I know I'm not alone, as I've read other bloggers comments on their pets and how beneficial they are to our mental health.

This is one of those "Gratitude" posts I'm trying out, and at the top of my list of things to be thankful for is animals -particularly cats. Here's some other stuff to be going on with...

REASONS TO SMILE

1. Animals, esp cats. And especially those viral videos I get sent like the one with the owl and the kitten playing, and the mama cat comforting the kitten who had a nightmare. Could those things get any cuter???

2. Buffy. We finished our seven season marathon, and as always I cried at the end. The girl power, all women are slayers, theme is just awesome. I wish I was as kick arse as Buffy and Willow!

3. Movies. My favourite past-time. I saw X Men First Class and it rocked!! Though disappointing that the female mutants were evil )-: I like Storm from the other movies, but she didn't make an appearance.

4. Neil. I'm the luckiest woman in the world, I swear. He is patient and kind and decent. And a hunk of spunk (Aussie slang for a hottie LOL).

5. No Doz (caffiene tablets). Thank you for keeping me alert and awake at work!!

6. Roller Derby. It's brilliant! We're going again on the day before my birthday - 18 June. Great present, huh?! Those women are so tough and cool!

7. My boss Jan (he's a man, it's pronounced "Yarn" - Polish origin). Even though I have had so many sick days lately, he's supportive and understanding. I never worry about calling him, I know he'll be ok and not make me feel guilty or lazy. He doesn't know about the mental illness, but I believe he would be okay with that too.

8. The Madosphere. I love my blogger friends, and learn new things and feel new things every day from your terrific writing. Keep it up guys!

I have some challenges in my life at the moment (having the flu on top of lupus, anaemia, etc, is not fun) but I'm glad I took the time to note some positives. I think I should write down some of this stuff and read it every morning when I wake up, because it's getting harder and harder to motivate myself to get the hell out of bed. Brain = fizzy, body = shaky but I am still fighting y'all!

why is the last mile the hardest mile?

Three weeks ago Dr A gave me a prescription for an atypical antipsychotic, and tonight I started taking amisulpride (aka Solian). I wasn't keen to start a new medication while Doc was lazing on a beach in Portugal, but really, the last week has been hellish and I'm hoping for some kind of miracle. It's a low dose, but it's possible that it will help to stablise my moods and help with the trichotillomania, binge eating, angry freakouts, etc. When he wrote the script Dr A said it could keep me up all night, or help me sleep, and I'm desperately hoping it'll be the latter. So damn tired, so sick of the nightmares I'm having.

I took a personal day off from work today, after waking up with that utterly helpless feeling, knowing I would not be able to summon the strength to face the world. I spent the morning writing a list of all the crap I have to worry about, which (weirdly enough) helped. I'm now attempting to prioritise these things, and will work through them one at a time. Sigh. My dog had to have $500 worth of x-rays a couple of weeks ago, after rupturing her cruciate ligament jumping down from her groomer's table for goodness sake! Whose dog DOES that? So unfortunately, my divorce is temporarily on hold. But I still plan on doing it as soon as I save up the money again. I have also contacted Mr Ex regarding a few loose ends, possessions, etc, and it felt quite decent to be assertive. I am still overwhelmed with resentment and anger about a lot of things regarding our marriage/his lies. And I suppose one day that will all have to be dealt with.

I logged on here today and found I had one less follower. Nick Drake just the last straw, huh? LOL. My friend Kate once mentioned how easy it is as a blogger to place stock on who has you on their blog lists, and who follows you, and she is (as usual) right. It sucks that someone abandoned me while I was down!! I'm kidding, but you know what I mean, right? I have another friend who warned me, and rightly so, about the indulging in melancholy music when I'm already feeling low. I'm terribly prone to that, so have avoided all tear-jerking emo type music today! Apart from the blog post title, which is courtesy of Morrissey.

One of the bright moments in the last week has been my kick arse friends, in the real world and the virtual. It helps so much to know other people know what the black dog looks like, and how persistently he hangs around hoping for some scraps of sadness. Another bright spot was seeing Whip It - a movie that may be responsible for my unattractive and clumsy entry to the sport of roller derby!! If only I could a) skate, b) think of a good derby name and c) wear fishnets without resembling an overstuffed bag of oranges. LOVED the movie and am determined to live the tagline - BE YOUR OWN HERO!

The Jagged Little Pill

Yesterday, I managed to drag myself out of bed in time to present my high-functionin' self to Dr A at 8:30am. It wasn't easy, not least because dealing with peak-hour public transport is enough to send the sanest soul into a decline. I HATE the train, the ones that go near my house are set up so that the seats are all along the sides, facing in - your paranoiac's basic nightmare. A friend of mine who works as a train security guard says it's due to the high level of crime and naughtiness on my train line - but I *think* she's joshin' with me. Anyway, the trains at that hour of the morning are chock-full of worker drones (um, hello, you used to be one, yes I know, now shut up, ok?) and I was paranoid I would run into someone from my old work. In a small town city like Perth that happens a lot. In fact, it happened last time I had an early appt with Dr A and I could just imagine the chatter back at the office "Hey, I thought L had a schiz-out and was in the funny farm? Well, I just saw her heading into the city and looked like she was going to work...does she have a new job?" Bummer.

Anyway. Anyway. Anyway... the appointment went pretty well, although I am mega-cynical of most of his shrinkish moves. He asked me about the job situation, saying I was "extremely well spoken and had the gift of the gab" (bless) and that I was "very skilled" (you got no idea honey). I just about managed to not roll my eyes in cynical acknowledgement of his attempt to bond my good self to him. We talked a bit about "Lost in the Mirror" a great book about BPD that was recommended by the fab Wandering Coyote . It's terrific, and one of the things the author discusses is the benefit of ritual and routine for the Borderline. I had already been planning to try and set up a daily plan for myself, getting up at a certain time, exercising, cleaning, homework etc, because I am really scared about becoming wedded to my bed hahaha. So Dr A and I gasbagged about what I might have in my ritual/routine, trying to strike that happy balance between tasks and fun.

Once I left there I was all fired up for the day and had a small shopping spree (wouldn't call it a binge per se...) and saw a movie (Duplicity - not bad. Clive Owen deliciously British). Then went out later with my friend Michelle, and we had dinner and saw another movie (Paul Blart Mall Cop - v. entertaining, Kevin James chubbily charming). Today, I managed to stick to my routine/ritual and got up at 8am (better than yesterday's 6am, ugh) and have been cleaning and writing and applying for jobs all day while listening to Taylor Swift. Even managed to get outside and sweep the patio floor and vacuum my dog's kennel (Michelle, no need to call the RSPCA now lol).

So here's the thing. And ain't there always a kicker? Yesterday I *finally* opened the Lovan box, pushed out a pill, snapped it in half and swallowed it along with my myriad other tablets and supplements. Lovan, for those not "in the know" is another name for fluoxetine, aka Prozac. Sometimes, apparently, SSRIs can start working immediately and in very small doses. But maybe I am just having a couple of great, energy-filled, productive fun days?? I am furious at the fact that it might be those god-damned chemicals that have given me the kick in the ass I needed to get out of bed and into the world again. Part of me hopes for a major slump, so I can go "hooray, the meds aren't affecting me, it's just a hypomanic state!!" It's nuts, clearly. I want to be well, but I don't want medication to help me? Where's the sense in that?? I'm just gonna have to go with it. Here's the confusing list of facts (for my own record as much as to entertain my beloved readers, so please forgive me!)

1. Finished my darn period four days ago, always a positive thing
2. Kicked my diet coke habit six days ago - traditionally a hard time, usually gives me withdrawal headaches and lethargy?
3. Could barely function four days ago, and now have energy to burn and a clear head
4. Two days ago started SSRI anti-depressant at 1/8 of the standard/highest dose

I don't know how much of this relates to my current mental and physical state!

I don't know if I'm just having a "good" week!

But I am DETERMINED to make the most of it, regardless.

I Was A Nightmare, You Were A Saint

I don't make a habit of reviewing films. For great discussions of Rachel Getting Married you should visit Wandering Coyote's blog, Bon Dobbs (isn't that a cool name??) or Mystery Man On Film. These guys do a better job of describing the film than I could. I only reference the film here in relation to me and my experience of it! What's new haha? I saw the film today, and loved it... related to it, admired it, hated it because of the reflected pain from my own life/family history. During the film I kept remembering Marsha Linehan's description of BPD as having third degree burns on the emotional skin, so that every tiny experience of pain is amplified to agonising. Personally, I most often say that it's like every bone in my body is broken, as the pain from a burn is more "searing" or sharp, and my emotional pain is not usually so acute. More dull, throbbing, aching, permanently "there" on the periphery of my awareness.

Anyway, I am a huge fan of Anne Hathaway, being a dedicated Princess Diaries fan. I thought she did a remarkable job playing the character Kym, who may or may not be Bipolar or Borderline but has certainly struggled with an addiction to narcotics and an eating disorder. Kym demonstrates a plethora of character traits and behaviours a lot of us can relate to- rapid mood cycling, impulsivity, confusion of self, paranoia, and Anne Hathaway is interesting and convincing in the role. I would like to say the movie or her performance made me cry, but in fact I was just crying as accompaniment, really didn't notice a stopping or starting of the tears, they were just part of the whole experience. I really couldn't NOT cry... I was sorrowful... I was struck all over again by how damnably hard it can be to form relationships with ANYONE, let alone people we are thrown together with by accident of genetics/birth. At one stage, there was a parade of seemingly healthy, outgoing, sociable and articulate people wishing the bride and groom well -- an inexplicably mulitnational, musically gifted group of friends and family. People quoted, emoted, sang, played saxaphone. And you just know there's going to be Kym's turn coming around, and she will be the odd one out. I don't know if I believe in the well-rounded and blessed first group, they just don't ring true for me. Emotional truth and raw, bleak honesty, however, seem to be what fits. The title of this post is one of Kym's great one-liners. Without spoiling the plot for anyone who wants to see Rachel Getting Married, I completely dissolved into sympatico giggles when Kym starts to say "That's not fair!" People in the audience behind me were tsk tsking at the character, criticising her I suppose for her self-centredness. But Kym, honey, I hear ya. Sometimes, it ain't fair.

On a musical note -- yay that the little-known UK balladeer Robyn Hitchcock gets to play himself and sing a couple of tunes during the wedding reception. He reminds me of the folk greats...Dylan...Neil Young (wonder what Mr Young thought of Unknown Legend being acapella-ed during the Rachel Getting Married wedding ceremony??)

Betty Blue

Not a stellar day, but not among the worst. Blah. Dr A set me the task this week of going to the gym every day, and the last 3 days I've managed it (and enjoyed it). Today, I couldn't do it... could barely get out of bed, felt generally unwell and not depressed or anxious, mainly tired I think. Maybe the last three days' workouts have taken their toll!! Prior to this week, I hadn't been to the gym for a couple of weeks due to the hideous side effects of the medication withdrawal. So maybe the aches and pains are genuine muscle pain LOL. Anyway!

I just took the day "off" from my daily plan of getting up, showering and taking my supplements before 10am, going to the gym, cooking dinner, and journalling/homework. It sounds like so little, but I know y'all can relate to the fact that sometimes even that "little" is too much to handle.

I stayed in bed and continued my cultural trip through madness and addiction. I am re-reading The Bell Jar as well as a couple of other books, and also rewatching my collection of DVDs and videos that deal in some way with the issues I'm faced with. Postcards From The Edge, When A Man Loves A Woman, Tom & Viv, 28 Days, Bennie & Joon, Mad Love -- I obviously like great hair on my crazy movie ladies. I often say to my friends that my life as a Borderline is exactly like Winona Ryder in Girl, Interrupted except my hair has never been that cute. I'm being glib. But one thing is true, I would rather watch a movie about addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, rehab, suicide than about anything else. I suppose lots of people are like that, preferring something they can "relate" to. While I was thinking about all this tonight, I found a list on the internet of "Movies and Mental Illness" . It lists every kind of disorder and phobia and then lists all the movies which portray these illnesses/experiences. I was gob-smacked at the long list of Borderline Personality Disorder movies. Then I was horrified to see the following nutso female caricatures in the list (none of whom I had previously considered to have BPD):

• Single White Female (homicidal woman obsessed with flatmate)
• Basic Instinct (homicidial woman with a variety of issues lol)
• Fatal Attraction (homicidal woman obsessed with someone else's husband)
• The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (homicidal nanny obsessed with child's father)
• Play Misty For Me (homicidal fan obsessed with radio dj)
• Misery (homicidal fan obsessed with novelist)

These are six of the classic crazy women of film, the characters that are continually referenced in popular culture! And they all end up killed, I think?! I don't know what, if any, actual diagnostic proof the list author has for putting these films in the BPD category. It gave me a chuckle, in a dark and twisted way. A few of the movies in that category are films I've loved and related to over the years - Betty Blue (again with the great haircut), Breathless, Something Wild, Looking For Mr Goodbar. The list author also adds a couple of classics to the mix - Wuthering Heights and A Streetcar Named Desire, amazing and troubled characters for sure but again, BPD? When Gone With The Wind is classified under Narcissistic PD? Made me think anyway...

Oh, and just when I had spent hours analysing this filmography, I found Look Who's Talking on there. Yep, the 1989 comedy starring Bruce Willis as the voice of a talking baby. Ohhhhhhkaaaaaay.........