falling from the heartbeat of this girl

I saw Doc A on Friday, for the first time in over a month - probably the longest stretch I've been "psych-free" since I started treatment in Feb 2009. The session was good, primarily because he validated all the issues I've been having since I went off the Solian (anti-psychotic) and basically advised me to keep doing what I was already doing on my own - namely go back on the Solian and try to maintain mindfulness with my eating and shopping binges. He seemed adamant that I've proven I need the Solian, even in the small dose I'm taking. I think that having a period off the medication, during a stress-free and trigger-free time in my life, was a good "test". I am okay with needing the Solian. It's primarily for schizophrenia, which I don't have, but is also proven to work for BPD and OCD in conjunction with an anti-depressant.

So I have been taking the Solian again for a week and feel markedly improved. My mood is better, I feel less "split" and distracted, I have managed to reduce my binges (both eating and shopping), and overall I am less anxious. Had a great weekend with Neil, finally met his mother which was a lot less scary than I'd imagined LOL, and some more of his friends. Also spent time at my place with Michelle, who gets on famously with Neil. It is such a relief that they are compatible, and there are no issues, as one of the other guys I dated this year, Lloyd, triggered massive (justified) anger from Michelle. He really was a jerk. Sometimes I have to pinch myself, metaphorically, to make sure I'm not dreaming the fact that I now get to hang out with someone as generous, loving, fun and kind as Neil. Did I tell y'all that we met on an internet site that is primarily for sex and hookups than for actual romance and dating?? SO WEIRD. I had grown tired of the metrosexual passive types I was meeting on the traditional dating sites, so put my profile up on a site more "out there" - and ended up meeting one of the few men on that site who actually was after more than just a one night stand. How funny. Neil told me afterwards that he didn't realise that site was known for "swingers" and the like! Jeez, I do love him.

Post title is from one of my fave songs at the moment, Angus & Julia Stone's "and the boys". They are an awesome brother/sister duo from Sydney. Here's the film clip for those who are interested...

should be hoping but I can't stop thinking

No matter how much I think I've changed, or "recovered", there's always the Big Dark hovering the background waiting to devour. Lately it's been creeping around making its evil presence felt in subtle ways. A couple of episodes of binge eating. Some temper tantrums. Shortness of breath, tightness of chest. Whether it can be blamed on PMS or the medication change is something that will come to light in time, but the overall negativity of mood at the moment is scaring me shitless. Housemate Michelle said to me last night "What's your problem, you've got a job, somewhere to live, a boyfriend..." and although it was said entirely in jest, she really has a point. Outwardly, there is no reason for my uneasy feeling. No external trigger for these nerves that are starting to stretch out like barbed wire.

I am considering going back on the antipsychotic, Solian. I definitely wonder if the binge eating is related to going off the meds, as one of the main reasons for Doc A prescribing it was to help with my eating. I've started "inhaling" food again, instead of maintaining mindfulness and enjoying food in a relaxed and slow way. I ate a huge bag of potato chips in less than half an hour on Monday, and then polished off a number of chocolate bars. It reminded me of the bad old days before my weight loss surgery when I would regularly binge like that. I have no idea what triggered it, if anything. Although there have been some nasty thoughts hovering around lately.

As much as I am happy and in love, and definitely feel "loved", part of me wonders when it will all start to go bad. When Neil will see how pathetic and ugly I am, when he will realise the huge mistake he's made, when he will run away and never look back. It's a constant struggle to keep these stupid, pointless, damaging, groundless fears at bay. If a short time passes when we don't have sex, I think "It's the beginning of the end, he's gone off me already." If he doesn't text me until lunchtime I think "Remember the beginning of our relationship, when the first thing he did every morning was text?" Who am I to second guess and question such a decent and honest man?? I don't deserve him if I'm going to act in such a self-destructive way.

One of the things I constantly say, and believe, is that relapse is part of recovery. I suppose this is one of those moments of relapse, when old habits and thought patterns threaten to sabotage my current happiness. I'm trying so hard not to be terrified that the Cymbalta is losing effectiveness, and that another breakdown is imminent. So far I am managing to keep up at work, and still show a fairly cheerful front to Neil and everyone else. The Big Crazy is still held at bay, which is something positive I suppose. While I maintain control, and have insight, I have hope that I will get through this time of darkness.

*Post title is from This Woman's Work (Kate Bush) - melancholy as suits my mood...

greetings loved ones

Ticking along, ticking along. Life continues to surprise and delight me with its evenhanded sweetness. I am steadily growing fonder of The Man (Neil), who loves to buy me flowers and cheesecake and recently cooked me the best roast dinner I've ever eaten. We talk every day, and each time we see each other it's the perfect mix of excitement and relaxation. Weird, but it feels like we've been dating for years already. Did I tell y'all he bears more than a passing physical resemblance to Mr Ex? It freaks me out sometimes, makes me wonder whether there is something sick and twisted going on in my subconscious. Michelle, housemate, says as long as Neil doesn't resemble Mr Ex in character then that's the most important thing. But it's twelve years since Mr Ex and I first hooked up, so who would know what he was like then, before the marriage rot set in and the sexual ambivalence started to send me mad... I tend to think that Neil is made from stronger stuff, and much more focused and passionate than Mr Ex ever was. And if his only major flaw is that he is of similar build and colouring as my ex-husband, then Neil is definitely a keeper.

I've told Neil about the coincidence, and he is conscious of not reminding me in other ways of Mr Ex. I think I will have to run it past Doc A and see what he thinks, whether he's concerned that I am reliving the past or trying to subconsciously return to those dark days of unhappy matrimony.

In other news, my Cymbalta side effects have all but disappeared. I've been taking it (60mg) for almost 2 and a half months now, and it's still working a treat to keep me activated and stable-minded. At first I had wicked constipation (TMI? Sorry!), cotton mouth and a few troubles with orgasm, but thankfully all those things have passed. Doc A promised they would, but naturally I thought I knew better LOL. I'm finding that my weight has dropped slightly, as my appetite seems decreased, which is always a benefit. It's one drug I wouldn't hesitate to recommend. Combined with the 50mg of Solian I am taking, it's really helped me to turn things around from where they were in dismal May. Most of the time I feel mellow, cheerful, positive and full of potential. Work asked me to increase my hours, which I'm happy to do now I'm stable again, which shows they must think I am "well" and functioning.

As good as the Cymbalta is, though, I think it's just as empowering and enriching to have someone kind and loving in my life. Someone who tells me how much I mean to him, and reinforces my positive thoughts and qualities. Someone I inexplicably feel physically comfortable with, and who "lights my fire" on a regular basis (-: I am officially resigned from the dating sites now, and am focusing my attention on the relationship I have, here and now. He called me his girlfriend the other day, and damn if it didn't feel good...

(title of post from Katy Perry's California Gurls)

they call me mellow yellow, quite rightly

Greetings friends, my apologies for not updating sooner. Yes, the new medication (Solian) is working well - reducing the hair pulling and binge impulses, definitely reduced anger, and I am sleeping a lot better. It's a low dose but a good 'un! I see Dr A on Wednesday, after his month in Europe, and will be happy to report that things are fairly good. Certainly better than a couple of weeks ago.

My friend Michelle and I have our plans to move out together well underway. Sometime between now and February we'll be sharing a small house or a duplex/unit (I think y'all in the US call it a condo, like an apartment but bigger and usually with ground floor access?). We've seen a couple of places, and have narrowed down our search to a few key suburbs - all of which are closer to work than here. I am completely OVER the 1.5 - 2 hr bus trip each way. We looked at a place on Friday that was 10 mins walk away from work but sadly it had no bathtub and was suffering from a semi-permanent mould invasion. Ugh. I am so excited about living with Michelle, who is my closest friend and someone I can be honest with. She has been staying here on and off over the last few weeks and the more time I spend with her the more I am convinced that rooming together makes great sense financially as well as emotionally. Now we just have to find somewhere!

I start a three week course tomorrow on Flower Essences and herbal remedies, which is something my mom and I are interested in. It'll be nice to do the course with her, and I am also booked into a goal setting course next month. Hopefully I will still feel well enough to do the course by then...the problem with feeling well is that sometimes I commit myself to things that I end up regretting!

So far, the only side effect I've felt from the Solian is a dry mouth, and the fact that I'm slightly drowsy - but as I take it before bed anyway, that's no biggie. I'm finding that slightly numb effect to be welcome, even though mentally I struggle with the idea of blunting and how it detaches me from my necessary emotions of anger, frustrations, etc. I think that for the next few months, to find accommodation for next year and to finish my two courses as well as complete the semester at work, I need all the help I can get. Dr A says the ultimate goal is to reduce or stop medication completely, but it may take years to get there. I am so impatient, want everything now now now now now haha!! But I am trying to look at this as an investment, and will take the anti-psychotic while it helps.

Spending time with my friends and family has kept me away from my virtual world, and I MISS YOU ALL! Hope to catch up soon.

why is the last mile the hardest mile?

Three weeks ago Dr A gave me a prescription for an atypical antipsychotic, and tonight I started taking amisulpride (aka Solian). I wasn't keen to start a new medication while Doc was lazing on a beach in Portugal, but really, the last week has been hellish and I'm hoping for some kind of miracle. It's a low dose, but it's possible that it will help to stablise my moods and help with the trichotillomania, binge eating, angry freakouts, etc. When he wrote the script Dr A said it could keep me up all night, or help me sleep, and I'm desperately hoping it'll be the latter. So damn tired, so sick of the nightmares I'm having.

I took a personal day off from work today, after waking up with that utterly helpless feeling, knowing I would not be able to summon the strength to face the world. I spent the morning writing a list of all the crap I have to worry about, which (weirdly enough) helped. I'm now attempting to prioritise these things, and will work through them one at a time. Sigh. My dog had to have $500 worth of x-rays a couple of weeks ago, after rupturing her cruciate ligament jumping down from her groomer's table for goodness sake! Whose dog DOES that? So unfortunately, my divorce is temporarily on hold. But I still plan on doing it as soon as I save up the money again. I have also contacted Mr Ex regarding a few loose ends, possessions, etc, and it felt quite decent to be assertive. I am still overwhelmed with resentment and anger about a lot of things regarding our marriage/his lies. And I suppose one day that will all have to be dealt with.

I logged on here today and found I had one less follower. Nick Drake just the last straw, huh? LOL. My friend Kate once mentioned how easy it is as a blogger to place stock on who has you on their blog lists, and who follows you, and she is (as usual) right. It sucks that someone abandoned me while I was down!! I'm kidding, but you know what I mean, right? I have another friend who warned me, and rightly so, about the indulging in melancholy music when I'm already feeling low. I'm terribly prone to that, so have avoided all tear-jerking emo type music today! Apart from the blog post title, which is courtesy of Morrissey.

One of the bright moments in the last week has been my kick arse friends, in the real world and the virtual. It helps so much to know other people know what the black dog looks like, and how persistently he hangs around hoping for some scraps of sadness. Another bright spot was seeing Whip It - a movie that may be responsible for my unattractive and clumsy entry to the sport of roller derby!! If only I could a) skate, b) think of a good derby name and c) wear fishnets without resembling an overstuffed bag of oranges. LOVED the movie and am determined to live the tagline - BE YOUR OWN HERO!