bounce

First I was bad. Then I was great. Now I'm just in limbo. And by that I don't mean the fun game played with a broomstick. I mean that awful nothing state, where the slightest push can send me rocketing either way. It's like being on the crest of a rollercoaster and knowing that the plummet to darkness is just a millimetre away. I feel like if I try hard enough I will be able to get the happy place back.

The three day Ignite Your Life course was amazing. It inspired me, and challenged me, and since then I've been feeling more positive and worthwhile and able to change. I've been less depressed, not at all suicidal and had more energy. Until... Until. Until. Until. There's always an "until" isn't there? Or an "and then/but then". I'm so grateful for the two and a half weeks of strength and sanity but WHY does it have to end? Monday morning dawned and my old friend lethargy was back, with apathy and self-loathing not far behind. Of course I could have, and should have, used the strategies I learned in the course to change my mental state and try to motivate myself... Instead I spent the next two days in bed feeling the old depression envelop me. I guess I felt comforted in some way, it's easier to slip back into old patterns than try to develop new ones, right?

I'm frustrated that I am not "cured".

I know that it's impossible, but I still kind of wanted it.

Even though I am the first to tell people you need to work hard at recovery and illness management, in the end I am a lazy SOB who wanted an easy way out.

The teachers I met at Ignite Your Life would say I'm using the mental illness, depression, suicide "game" to try and gain attention, connection with others, and self-worth. They're right, because while I definitely have mental illness, it's my choice how that illness manifests itself and how far I let it take hold of my life. I definitely had a choice Monday morning and I made the choice to remain trapped in the depression cycle.

All I can do now is try to switch my mental state and embrace happy, energising, positive thoughts. Which might be (IS!) tiring, but is certainly within my capabilities. I'll let you know how it goes :-D

the only way to get there is to go straight down

Lately I've been wishing for a BPD episode. Anything to shake up the dank, dreary depression that's threatening to block out the whole world. I remember hypomania with fondness... I miss anger, rage, fury - emotions of any kind - as lately I seem to be a blank/black canvas. I'm barely managing to keep my job, getting to work about two days out of five, spending the rest of my time sleeping. I used to blame my anaemia for the sleeping... but lately I've realised that the iron infusion must have kicked in by now, and therefore depression is probably the cause. If I'm honest, this spell of depression has been creeping up on me for months, starting before I raised my Cymbalta level to 120mg. Changing that medication has done nothing, supporting the research I keep reading about which says doses higher than 60mg are pointless.

I don't get paid for the days I'm having off, so I haven't been able to afford to see Doc A. But I'm making the effort this week, and scraping the cash together, as the situation is getting dire. I know he will suggest starting Lamotrigine, as that was one of his suggestions last time. I don't know why I'm on the fence about Lamotrigine...part of it is the cost, especially now I'm verging on unemployed, and part of it is because it's always been in reserve. For "just in case". If I start using Lamotrigine, what will I have left for next time the medication fails me??? More Lamotrigine I suppose.

I spent another day in hospital last week, having upper and lower gastrointestinal tract exams to check for bleeding. Nothing showed up, so my anaemia is unexplained. The haematologist believes it's related to my weight loss surgery. Regardless of the cause, I am still as light-headed and exhausted as ever. I have the Ignite Your Life course this weekend, Friday to Sunday, and I'm dreading it. I have no idea how I will manage to be upfront, present and awake for all those hours, when I usually spend half the weekend asleep. I'm desperate for some relief from this depression, though, and anecdotal evidence suggests this course can provide it. My parents and brother have done the course, and found it inspiring and energising and claim there were a few people who were previously medicated for depression (unipolar and bipolar) that now no longer need medication. I'm skeptical. And don't intend to give up my medication for anyone/anything. I'm a true believer, even though at the moment it doesn't seem to be doing much for me.

I was talking to my family about this course a couple of weeks ago and confessed that I really don't think the course organisers will have come across anyone as lunatic as me. Anyone as recidivist and recalcitrant. Are they prepared for someone whose only goal in life is to not complete suicide? They sent out this pre-course questionnaire and it had all these questions like "What are you most proud of?", "Name four emotional states you regularly experience", "What are your motivations for doing this course". Even reading the questions made me exhausted and hopeless. "How would you describe yourself" was one, and my immediate answer was "fat, fucked, failure". I can't decide if right now is the best or worst time for Ignite Your Life... most of me, the hopeful part, believes that things happen for the right reasons, and therefore it must be the best time. I really, truly hope to experience some life-altering changes. I can't wait to update you all next week.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting as much on your blogs as I have in the past. I feel like anything I say will be negative and pointless, so often I will stay silent. But I'm still reading, and I hope everyone who's going through a hard time right now will soon be on an upswing. Lots of love to all xx

while your blood counts its losses

It's been a while. Up and down, up and down. I had my iron infusion last Monday, which was terrifically fast service. Unfortunately, it ended up costing me $814 because my private health insurance wouldn't pay (I haven't been with the insurance company for 12 months which is the qualification period). Luckily I have a supportive partner with some cash reserves who could lend me the money! He agreed with me that waiting to qualify under insurance (March next year) wasn't feasible, and we have to get this anaemia fixed asap. So I spent 6 hours in a comfy reclining chair in hospital, in the ward with the chemo patients, being pumped full of iron. Apparently I will start to feel better in 2/3 weeks. I had no side effects to the infusion, which is awesome. They served me lunch and coffee and cake, and I had a television to amuse me as well as my iPhone.

The next day I felt a little under the weather (which is expected after an infusion, you get kind of like a flu with aches and pains - weird, huh?) but decided I would go to work. However, on the way to the bus stop I was attacked by a neighbour's dog who had escaped through the fence. At first it was just growling and barking so I kept walking but then it latched on to my thigh!! OUCH!! Needless to say, I screamed and it backed off. A nice man from another house came out to see if I was okay and I rang Neil (who was on night shift and still sleeping) and the man helped me get back to my street (avoiding the dog which was still lurking). Neil took me to the hospital as there were three puncture wounds and a huge bruise already forming (and that was after being bitten through denim jeans!! Imagine on a baby's face...ugh). They washed it out and bandaged me up, my tetanus shots were up to date so that was that. I couldn't believe it was two says in a row I was in hospital! For the local readers, Hollywood Private Hospital day one, Swan Districts day two!

All up I ended up not going to work for 4 days last week. Here's what the bite wound looked like a couple of days ago...

Admittedly, the bruising wouldn't be quite so impressive if I wasn't anaemic! I was glad the puncture wounds didn't bleed too much after having $814 worth of iron put in there the day before LOL.

My mental state has been quite badly affected by all this. I'm feeling extremely sorry for myself and guilty because the dog ended up being euthenaised (sp?) as the owners wouldn't pay for it to be registered when the Council came to check on it. Neil wants me to get legal advice and pursue a damages claim for lost earnings, and stress, but I just want to put the whole thing behind me. I get a little nervous now when I see loose dogs on the street, even small ones, and I'm worried that the neighbours will do something to retaliate against us. They are already "bad" neighbours in that they are extremely messy with junk all over their lawn and often have shouting matches in the street. The neighbours themselves clearly have no money or insurance but their home is owned by the government and the government department will have public liability insurance we could claim under. But is it worth it for a couple of thousand dollars? The woman has six kids under the age of ten and enough stress already. Sigh.

Anyway, that's my update. I'm having a difficult year!

Post title is from the same Horrible Crowes song as last time, Blood Loss. Thought it was relevant (-:

sirens they come, sirens they go

Post title is from another Horrible Crowes song "Blood Loss".



I had a fantastic time in Melbourne. Since I've been back, however, the darkness has been trying hard to claim me again. I ended up having another week off work after I got back, simply because getting out of bed was too difficult, too painful. I can't decide if what I'm feeling is simple exhaustion, due to the anemia, or the return of depression my old friend/foe. All I know is it's fracking hard to accomplish anything, and days will pass without showering, speaking to anyone except Neil (and then it's just the basic exhange of words), or eating anything apart from caramel biscuits.



Didn't you all LOVE this card from PostSecret this week?

I think this is what's going on for Neil at the moment. He seems to have given up trying to inspire or encourage me to get my arse out of bed and to work. He said to me the other day "I'm scared of pushing you over the edge", and I felt so damn guilty... I'm constantly aware of the fact that he lost his dad and his brother to suicide and that he must worry so much about me. I just can't seem to get motivated enough to get moving.

I have a couple of hopeful moments ahead of me. I see a haematologist tomorrow about my anaemia and he will book me in for an iron tranfusion. This entails being hooked up to an IV for six hours in hospital while I'm pumped full of iron. A couple of people I know swear by these transfusions and I'm praying that I get booked in for one in the next few weeks. Having more physical energy must have a positive effect on my mental pain. The other thing is my parents and my brother are paying for me to do a course entitled "Ignite Your Life" - a three day course in self-development and transformation that the three of them have done in the past, and which they swear will have an amazing effect on my life and attitude. I'm slightly cynical, even though I've seen the difference in them and it's pretty profound. I really hope to gain benefit from the course, and maybe finally have clarity in my path in life. I have a fantastic relationship with Neil, and for that I am eternally grateful, but pretty much everything else in my life is dismal. "Ignite Your Life" runs from November 11 - 13.

I'm sorry I've been absent from this page for so long. It's been hard to know what to say, when all I've been feeling is BLAH. But despite my gloomiest of outlooks, there is still a persistent, hopeful chink of light at the end of this tunnel. And that's what keeps me going, slow and steady.

behold the hurricane

The only saving grace in the darkness of the last few weeks is the album "Elsie" by the Horrible Crowes. Behold the Hurricane is the amazing song/filmclip from the album and I'm going to share it with y'all cause it really spoke to me.

addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Tomorrow afternoon I leave for my girly weekend with H in Melbourne. I'm really looking forward to:
a) being away from work (and early wakeup calls)
b) seeing H
c) being in Melbourne

I love Melbourne. It's on the other side of Australia from Perth, for those who don't know, and it may as well be a different country in some ways. It's far more "arty" and cosmopolitan, the food is AWESOME and they have trams, which I love. I'm going to be there almost a week.

I'm not looking forward to:
a) being away from Neil (who is going to Cairns, Queensland, for a gambling weekend with his poker buddies)
b) leaving Charly (beloved feline) in the care of the slacker stepson J
c) meeting a lot of H's friends and being super social

Being with H is great, she is a gorgeous girl and understands me and my mental health issues. I'm a bit nervous about her friends, but am hoping they are laidback and not too exhausting. I am worried about my energy levels as they are still really low with the iron deficiency. I guess I will just pace myself and not overdo it. I'll have a lot of time on my own as H is working except for the two weekend days. I have plans to sightsee and shop and maybe get a massage.

I might not be able to blog or visit y'all while I'm away from work for ten days. I will try and check in now and again, partly because I will suffer withdrawal symptoms without it!

My title for today is from my favourite song at the moment - Gotye's Somebody That I Used To Know. Great Aussie songwriter.

spend your time biting your own neck

(Title from Mumford & Sons Little Lion Man)

It's really quite a challenge to separate my other blog, the weight removal one, from this one. I feel like my journey to fitness and healthy eating is directly related to my journey to sanity. Which is, I suppose, why I am consulting mental health specialists to help with curtailing my emotional eating and bingeing. Which is, I suppose, the battle a lot of us face -- the entertwined illnesses of ED and MH, two evil parasites fighting for control over our mind and body.

Rather than talk in weight, I'll tell you, beloved readers, that in six weeks of this health and wellness program I've shifted my BMI from 47 to 43.4. A downward movement which no doubt will improve my health. I'm still morbidly obese (I kind of like that term...because I AM morbid, in the sense that I'm precoccupied with death LOL) but I'm getting healthier. My goal BMI is probably around 29, which is still overweight but suits my build and my physical health I think.

In general, life has been fairly positive for me since I last wrote. I am planning my vacation to visit my best friend H in Melbourne, which takes place Aug 31 - Sept 6. Three weeks tomorrow - yippee! We are going to eat, drink, gossip and fire each other up in our respective life challenges. I got a fairly large tax refund due to my low income earner status, and therefore am fairly comfortable with money just now. Neil and I are planning a trip overseas next year to Singapore and Thailand, which will be frickin AWESOME and gives me something to work towards with my fitness and saving money.

Apart from a couple of shaky moments, my mental health has been strong. I haven't needed to take Valium for weeks, and the 120mg Cymbalta and 100mg Solian seem to be keeping me stable. I do think the healthier eating has made a difference, and the small amount of exercise. I am hoping to increase my exercise. I've been doing a self-hypnosis/meditation CD that my hypnotherapist gave me which is helping me to sleep, and to curb my overeating. My contract at work has been extended for another couple of months, which is both good and bad. I am happy to not have to look for another contract, but the job is rather boring and I have no friends )-: Basically, aside from the polite hello and goodbye, no-one speaks to me all day. On one hand it's low stress and peaceful, but it kind of drives me mad. After all these months I'm getting bored. And boredom is always dangerous for BPDs.

Things at home are lovely. I adore Neil more every day, and if it wasn't for his slacker teenage son everything would be perfect. But I guess every situation has its challenges! Neil has been super-supportive of my health kick, although he still suggests takeaway now and again. I've been having takeaway occasionally, because at least this way I am incorporating all kinds of food rather than avoiding or restricting too much.

I really do believe that my mental state is a rollercoaster, and I happen to be cruising through an "up" phase. But I am enjoying it while it lasts. It's a relief to feel balanced and relatively positive about things.