while your blood counts its losses

It's been a while. Up and down, up and down. I had my iron infusion last Monday, which was terrifically fast service. Unfortunately, it ended up costing me $814 because my private health insurance wouldn't pay (I haven't been with the insurance company for 12 months which is the qualification period). Luckily I have a supportive partner with some cash reserves who could lend me the money! He agreed with me that waiting to qualify under insurance (March next year) wasn't feasible, and we have to get this anaemia fixed asap. So I spent 6 hours in a comfy reclining chair in hospital, in the ward with the chemo patients, being pumped full of iron. Apparently I will start to feel better in 2/3 weeks. I had no side effects to the infusion, which is awesome. They served me lunch and coffee and cake, and I had a television to amuse me as well as my iPhone.

The next day I felt a little under the weather (which is expected after an infusion, you get kind of like a flu with aches and pains - weird, huh?) but decided I would go to work. However, on the way to the bus stop I was attacked by a neighbour's dog who had escaped through the fence. At first it was just growling and barking so I kept walking but then it latched on to my thigh!! OUCH!! Needless to say, I screamed and it backed off. A nice man from another house came out to see if I was okay and I rang Neil (who was on night shift and still sleeping) and the man helped me get back to my street (avoiding the dog which was still lurking). Neil took me to the hospital as there were three puncture wounds and a huge bruise already forming (and that was after being bitten through denim jeans!! Imagine on a baby's face...ugh). They washed it out and bandaged me up, my tetanus shots were up to date so that was that. I couldn't believe it was two says in a row I was in hospital! For the local readers, Hollywood Private Hospital day one, Swan Districts day two!

All up I ended up not going to work for 4 days last week. Here's what the bite wound looked like a couple of days ago...

Admittedly, the bruising wouldn't be quite so impressive if I wasn't anaemic! I was glad the puncture wounds didn't bleed too much after having $814 worth of iron put in there the day before LOL.

My mental state has been quite badly affected by all this. I'm feeling extremely sorry for myself and guilty because the dog ended up being euthenaised (sp?) as the owners wouldn't pay for it to be registered when the Council came to check on it. Neil wants me to get legal advice and pursue a damages claim for lost earnings, and stress, but I just want to put the whole thing behind me. I get a little nervous now when I see loose dogs on the street, even small ones, and I'm worried that the neighbours will do something to retaliate against us. They are already "bad" neighbours in that they are extremely messy with junk all over their lawn and often have shouting matches in the street. The neighbours themselves clearly have no money or insurance but their home is owned by the government and the government department will have public liability insurance we could claim under. But is it worth it for a couple of thousand dollars? The woman has six kids under the age of ten and enough stress already. Sigh.

Anyway, that's my update. I'm having a difficult year!

Post title is from the same Horrible Crowes song as last time, Blood Loss. Thought it was relevant (-:

sirens they come, sirens they go

Post title is from another Horrible Crowes song "Blood Loss".



I had a fantastic time in Melbourne. Since I've been back, however, the darkness has been trying hard to claim me again. I ended up having another week off work after I got back, simply because getting out of bed was too difficult, too painful. I can't decide if what I'm feeling is simple exhaustion, due to the anemia, or the return of depression my old friend/foe. All I know is it's fracking hard to accomplish anything, and days will pass without showering, speaking to anyone except Neil (and then it's just the basic exhange of words), or eating anything apart from caramel biscuits.



Didn't you all LOVE this card from PostSecret this week?

I think this is what's going on for Neil at the moment. He seems to have given up trying to inspire or encourage me to get my arse out of bed and to work. He said to me the other day "I'm scared of pushing you over the edge", and I felt so damn guilty... I'm constantly aware of the fact that he lost his dad and his brother to suicide and that he must worry so much about me. I just can't seem to get motivated enough to get moving.

I have a couple of hopeful moments ahead of me. I see a haematologist tomorrow about my anaemia and he will book me in for an iron tranfusion. This entails being hooked up to an IV for six hours in hospital while I'm pumped full of iron. A couple of people I know swear by these transfusions and I'm praying that I get booked in for one in the next few weeks. Having more physical energy must have a positive effect on my mental pain. The other thing is my parents and my brother are paying for me to do a course entitled "Ignite Your Life" - a three day course in self-development and transformation that the three of them have done in the past, and which they swear will have an amazing effect on my life and attitude. I'm slightly cynical, even though I've seen the difference in them and it's pretty profound. I really hope to gain benefit from the course, and maybe finally have clarity in my path in life. I have a fantastic relationship with Neil, and for that I am eternally grateful, but pretty much everything else in my life is dismal. "Ignite Your Life" runs from November 11 - 13.

I'm sorry I've been absent from this page for so long. It's been hard to know what to say, when all I've been feeling is BLAH. But despite my gloomiest of outlooks, there is still a persistent, hopeful chink of light at the end of this tunnel. And that's what keeps me going, slow and steady.

behold the hurricane

The only saving grace in the darkness of the last few weeks is the album "Elsie" by the Horrible Crowes. Behold the Hurricane is the amazing song/filmclip from the album and I'm going to share it with y'all cause it really spoke to me.

addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Tomorrow afternoon I leave for my girly weekend with H in Melbourne. I'm really looking forward to:
a) being away from work (and early wakeup calls)
b) seeing H
c) being in Melbourne

I love Melbourne. It's on the other side of Australia from Perth, for those who don't know, and it may as well be a different country in some ways. It's far more "arty" and cosmopolitan, the food is AWESOME and they have trams, which I love. I'm going to be there almost a week.

I'm not looking forward to:
a) being away from Neil (who is going to Cairns, Queensland, for a gambling weekend with his poker buddies)
b) leaving Charly (beloved feline) in the care of the slacker stepson J
c) meeting a lot of H's friends and being super social

Being with H is great, she is a gorgeous girl and understands me and my mental health issues. I'm a bit nervous about her friends, but am hoping they are laidback and not too exhausting. I am worried about my energy levels as they are still really low with the iron deficiency. I guess I will just pace myself and not overdo it. I'll have a lot of time on my own as H is working except for the two weekend days. I have plans to sightsee and shop and maybe get a massage.

I might not be able to blog or visit y'all while I'm away from work for ten days. I will try and check in now and again, partly because I will suffer withdrawal symptoms without it!

My title for today is from my favourite song at the moment - Gotye's Somebody That I Used To Know. Great Aussie songwriter.

spend your time biting your own neck

(Title from Mumford & Sons Little Lion Man)

It's really quite a challenge to separate my other blog, the weight removal one, from this one. I feel like my journey to fitness and healthy eating is directly related to my journey to sanity. Which is, I suppose, why I am consulting mental health specialists to help with curtailing my emotional eating and bingeing. Which is, I suppose, the battle a lot of us face -- the entertwined illnesses of ED and MH, two evil parasites fighting for control over our mind and body.

Rather than talk in weight, I'll tell you, beloved readers, that in six weeks of this health and wellness program I've shifted my BMI from 47 to 43.4. A downward movement which no doubt will improve my health. I'm still morbidly obese (I kind of like that term...because I AM morbid, in the sense that I'm precoccupied with death LOL) but I'm getting healthier. My goal BMI is probably around 29, which is still overweight but suits my build and my physical health I think.

In general, life has been fairly positive for me since I last wrote. I am planning my vacation to visit my best friend H in Melbourne, which takes place Aug 31 - Sept 6. Three weeks tomorrow - yippee! We are going to eat, drink, gossip and fire each other up in our respective life challenges. I got a fairly large tax refund due to my low income earner status, and therefore am fairly comfortable with money just now. Neil and I are planning a trip overseas next year to Singapore and Thailand, which will be frickin AWESOME and gives me something to work towards with my fitness and saving money.

Apart from a couple of shaky moments, my mental health has been strong. I haven't needed to take Valium for weeks, and the 120mg Cymbalta and 100mg Solian seem to be keeping me stable. I do think the healthier eating has made a difference, and the small amount of exercise. I am hoping to increase my exercise. I've been doing a self-hypnosis/meditation CD that my hypnotherapist gave me which is helping me to sleep, and to curb my overeating. My contract at work has been extended for another couple of months, which is both good and bad. I am happy to not have to look for another contract, but the job is rather boring and I have no friends )-: Basically, aside from the polite hello and goodbye, no-one speaks to me all day. On one hand it's low stress and peaceful, but it kind of drives me mad. After all these months I'm getting bored. And boredom is always dangerous for BPDs.

Things at home are lovely. I adore Neil more every day, and if it wasn't for his slacker teenage son everything would be perfect. But I guess every situation has its challenges! Neil has been super-supportive of my health kick, although he still suggests takeaway now and again. I've been having takeaway occasionally, because at least this way I am incorporating all kinds of food rather than avoiding or restricting too much.

I really do believe that my mental state is a rollercoaster, and I happen to be cruising through an "up" phase. But I am enjoying it while it lasts. It's a relief to feel balanced and relatively positive about things.

dancing with myself

Since I last wrote a few things of note have happened.

1. I went to hospital with what turned out to be a gallbladder attack. I have gallstones, lots of them, and will probably have to have the gallbladder out sometime in the next year. Because of my weight being over 120kg I can only be operated on in the two largest public hospitals in Perth which means an extended time on the waiting list. Or I wait until my private health insurance matures in March 2012. Hopefully I can just avoid another attack. It was the most excrutiating pain. One of my BFs (who has four kids and had her gallbladder out last year) says it's a pain worse than childbirth.

2. Neil and I went out to dinner to celebrate one year together! I had a smallish steak and salad and a cocktail, which didn't interrupt my healthy eating plan too much. So far (almost 3 weeks) I've lost 5kg, which is something to celebrate too.

3. Mood wise, I have been hanging in there. Weirdly, or perhaps not so weird, it seems that eating better has improved my state of mind. Probably the extra dosage of Cymbalta is also working. Needless to say, the suicidal thoughts and desperate jitters have subsided and I haven't needed to take a Valium for a couple of weeks now. Phew. Crisis averted?

4. I saw on Catherine's Marmite on Toast blog that she had a link to her 43 Things. Having wanted to do a "Bucket List" for a while, I took the opportunity to copy the lovely Catherine and do my own 43 Things. You can find it here. Some of the things I intend to do while on this earth are: become a runner, visit South America, learn swing dancing, drink more water and meet Joshua Jackson!!! An eclectic mix LOL.

My apologies for such a dull, pedestrian post. Such is my life just now, and I must say I'm somewhat relieved.

every tear's a waterfall

I made a momentous decision last week. I decided that enough was enough with regard to my binge eating and weight gain and have re-started my healthy eating and weight removal journey. I feel self-conscious and triggery talking about it, knowing that a number of my friends in the madosphere are dealing with eating disorders and the like. But it had to be done, guys.

Three and a half years ago I paid a LOT of money to have weight loss surgery and while I lost weight (50kg/100 pounds), I've since regained a significant amount. My bingeing is out of control. I am obsessed with junk food. I eat for comfort, boredom, relaxation. These things are not healthy, and I've kind of let them go while I worked on some mental health issues.

Now I'm relatively stable, mentally, I am hoping to find the wherewithall to tackle my eating.

I've restarted my other blog, renaming it Borderline Lil's Losing Weight. Feel free to visit over there www.lastchancelil.blogspot.com or not. I won't be offended!

I am on meal replacement shakes/bars at the moment, which is a medical intervention for obesity and only supposed to be used under supervision. It's a very low calorie (approx 800 cal per day) diet, with the only solid food I'm eating being two cups of low starch vegies per day. So far (this is day six) it's going okay. There's an element of relief...I HATE my addiction to food, my obsessive behaviour towards it, so I'm glad to have the decision making on my meals taken away for now. Reintroducing food, in 12 weeks, will be a challenge I'm sure.

I'm planning to go back for a visit to my weight loss surgeon Gorgeous Jon to see if I need revision of my surgery, or how he can help me otherwise.

I'm fairly certain I have stretched out my reduced stomach, and whether this can be fixed or not, I've no idea. The meal replacement diet will help that, I hope. And I have completely removed junk food and takeaway from my life for now, even though in the end I hope to occasionally be able to enjoy it without going to extremes.

I have also made an appointment with a binge eating specialist, who does hypnotherapy and NLP (neuro-linguistic programming). I've ordered a binge eating book from the internet which is recommended by a lot of doctors and pdocs - it's based in CBT and has a complete programme that goes with it.

What's funny is that I KNOW THIS IS BPD-esque ALL OR NOTHING THINKING!!! But I've decided to USE the all or nothing extreme behaviour in my favour for once, and do something proactive. I'm trying to positively channel my obsessiveness into weight loss and healthy eating.

This is just an update, and I don't imagine I will talk much on this blog about the health plan. I am conscious of my ED friends and their issues, and would never want to negatively affect them/you. But I wanted to share this big change with my friends! And I hope you will all wish me luck (-: