a boy, a girl and a rendezvous

Firstly, a big thank you to Jen Daisybee from Suicidal No More for the I Choose to Live Award. This means a lot, as I really do believe living, and living well, is a choice and it's a choice I make every day. For those of you who haven't checked out Jen's blog, please do so - she is an incredibly inspiring writer who deals with Schizoaffective Disorder as well as some other difficulties.

Things have been steadily improving for me, and I am prepared to confess that I may in fact be a little bit "in lurve". It's someone entirely new, who I have only known for two weeks, but so far things are going amazingly well. There are no "buts", no negatives, no clarifications and best of all no qualms from him about being in a relationship. I decided two weeks ago to end things with Anthony, as he was determinedly casual and noncommittal, and seemed to prefer to just take things as they came rather than make plans. It just didn't suit me, and I had started to email my new man (Neil) and felt there was real potential there. We (Neil and I) have been completely honest and upfront from the start, and as a result have become close very quickly. We've had three dates since we met, and each one is more relaxed, more fun and more romantic than the last. He confessed to me that he is looking for true love, which is the first time I've heard that this year. The ten men I have met/dated this year have been predominantly reluctant to even mention love, let alone actively pursue it, so Neil is refreshingly different. On our first date, he bought me a gorgeous teddy bear, and has texted and/or called me every day since we met. He calls me babe and sweetheart. He tells me I make him smile. He does what he says he will, when he says he will.

I know it's early, but I really think this one might be a keeper. We'll see! The finding out is the fun part, anyway!!

I saw Doc A this week for the first time in a month; he has been in Germany for the First International Congress on BPD. He came back with heaps of interesting info, such as Abilify is the "go to" medication they've found for BPD + depression, but BPD without depression does not typically respond well to medication. They discussed DBT (Marsha Linehan was a keynote speaker) and MBT and TBT (this last one is what Doc A says he and I do, it's Transference Behavioural Therapy), and all three have major merit and success in treatment according to the Congress. One of the interesting things is that pharmaceutical companies had very little input into the Conference, which meant that the outcomes and topics weren't as skewed as other Conferences. Doc A is very much against what he calls the "pharmaceutical industry merry-go-round" and refuses to see drug reps at his practice. I'm so lucky to have found such a kick arse doctor. Really makes a big difference.

Hope this finds everyone hanging in there and maybe even doing well xx

Today's title is from Belle and Sebastian's Women's Realm - one of my all-time favourite songs.

round and round and round in the circle game

I seem to be struggling to keep up with blogging these days. Not much going on in the day-to-day sense, some whole days pass by with nothing remarkable to report, but it's more a lack of interest than a lack of something to say. I think blogging, for me, is a seasonal thing, or it's at least mood-based. I definitely come and go from here, and from the blogs of my online friends, and even though I think of you all regularly, it's sometimes hard to find the time and the energy to log on.

Perhaps it's because I am spending more time dating these days - both in real-life and online. My beau Anthony is still in the picture, and I still really like him, however we've been discussing open relationships and in theory I support the idea. I was monogamous for ten years, and it was reeeeeaaaaaally difficult, and part of me now believes that having a primary relationship with supplementary partners is the way to go. It's controversial, I know, and requires a huge level of trust and communication in the primary relationship. And it can't be just because one person wants it open, it has to be agreed upon by both parties. But a large part of me believes that it's not necessary to embrace monogamy "just because". Just because it's the done thing, or the option society encourages, or the thing most people do, doesn't mean it's the best option for me. Anthony and I are not exclusive, yet, maybe never will be, and so I am dating a couple of other people as well. It feels good, and everyone is aware of everyone else, and no-one is being set up for hurt (I hope, especially hope not me LOL).

Whether or not Anthony and I end up as primary partners in an open relationship, or whether I end up committed and monogamous with someone else, remains to be seen. Anthony has admitted being open to the idea of monogamy, with the right person and in the right circumstance, so I suppose that's an option too. We've been seeing each other for a month, and it's fairly casual, more casual than I would like if I'm honest. I am intense kind of person, as y'all know, and to see each other once or twice a week is not my ideal. Which may be one of the reasons why I am keen to have other men in my life...

One of my other guys, Mitch, has two kids aged 4 and 5, which is quite scary for me. I'm not sure if I'm "stepmother" material... I like him a lot, though, and I'm sure his kids are adorable. We had our first date on Saturday night and talked for hours, went bowling and had dinner and coffee. We have a lot in common, more than I first thought when I was matched with him, and even though Anthony is still my Number One, Mitch could definitely work his way up Lil's Dating Chart.

Healthwise, I am relatively stable and happy. I think my current medication mix is a good one, and even though Doc A is away in Germany for a couple of weeks I am hanging in there. He definitely doesn't agree with the polyamory/open relationship idea, by the way! He thinks it triggers one of the primary BPD issues of rejection/abandonment and would make me even more "hypervigilant" about any partner I had. He has a point, darn it, but I am still open to the idea. If I become well, and BPD-recovered, then hopefully hypervigilance will be a thing of the past, along with the BS of abandonment/rejection. Man, do I ever live in hope...

Continued improvement in life and mood, which I am glad to experience. My new beau, Anthony, is still proving to be honest and upfront with me, and seems to like spending time with me, and I am trying hard not to hear doom approaching. I wish that for once I could just enjoy something without lamenting its frailties and anticipating its end. I keep reminding myself that the current moment is the only one I know I have for real, for sure, so I should just enjoy it for what it is.

In just 4 days I turn 40, and it really has messed with my head lol. I sailed through turning 30, even as other friends found it hard to transition. But 40 is proving to be a challenge. I am dealing with it by planning a weekend away for my parents and some of my closest friends, which will be fun and a distraction.

is that supposed to be your poker face or was someone run over by a train

Just surfacing briefly to try and read a few blogs (so many hundreds in my Google reader...so little time) and to write an update on my situation.

In the last few weeks since I wrote, a lot has improved. Cymbalta has come into my life like an avenging angel, banishing the last of the homicidal Prozac-ity and energizing and revitalizing me. I feel so much better, so clear and focused. I started back at work yesterday and it went well, I am back on reduced hours and everyone has a slightly concerned way of watching me when they think I'm not looking. But overall, I am happy to be back and they are happy to have me.

My extra work with Dr A has paid off also, he says to not give Cymbalta all the credit as I've worked hard to try and regain my hold on sanity. My focus now is working with him on some CBT related goals in the areas of self-esteem, relationships and the like. I am determined to be able to be a functioning, positive partner for someone at some stage, and I think I need help with that (esp given my experiences with dating this year).

Also, I have met someone new. Someone I was introduced to online five months ago and have been emailing back and forth with regularity. We finally got to meet in real life and hit it off - now I am playing it as cool as I can, and trying not to place too much hope and expectation on him. Early days, but better ones folks.

(Title from Fountains of Wayne "No Better Place")

empty as a pocket with nothing to lose

This is not a good time in the Life of Lil. I had a bit of a heartbreak/letdown when Colin decided he preferred another to me, and that stupid event has escalated into a full-scale breakdown, leaving me unable to work and on disability for at least a month. I really need help to get a handle on my emotions, and my desperate need to be liked/loved/dated.

I am going through a massive medication change, along with intensive therapy with Doc A, trying to find a pathway through this darkness. The Prozac is clearly not working, as I am on a high dose and still feel depressed 90% of the time, which could definitely be avoidance but I am willing to try a medication change to see if it helps. I start on Cymbalta on Monday, and I have increased my anti-psychotic Solian six-fold which has helped me feel more integrated. I had a couple of hideous dissociative episodes ten days ago, which prompted the increase in the Solian, and it's helped. I am also scoffing Valium like it's going out of fashion, just to keep the edges softer and the panic at a bearable level.

I can't believe after a year of solid and productive work I am back at square one. I'm annoyed with myself for letting a man affect me so profoundly, especially a man I had only been out with twice. Ridiculous. I obviously need to take myself out of this internet dating scene, but it's developed into a full-scale addiction... I don't know what to replace it with, what I would look forward to if not the potential for love and companionship.

I am cripplingly lonely.

This is not something I would admit for the longest time, but having to cope with the "loss" of Colin, or the POTENTIAL of him anyway, has shown me how much I have started to rely on the possiblility of being with someone. That terrible temptation to fill the BPD Big Empty with someone else, to place my terrors on someone else's shoulders and hope they can bear them better than I. It's a disaster.

I don't have internet access at home just now, Michelle has left for two weeks and taken it with her, so dragged myself to the local shops to use the public access booth - just to post an update and apologise for not being around lately. I am hopeful of a change in weather and circumstance. Keep your good vibes coming my way, and I will do the same back yáll.

Passionate Blogger Award

Thank you Sarah (at This Lunatic Express) for this lovely recognition. I am passionate about blogging, it really helps me to keep the loony at bay, and reading all the blogs I have on my reading list is a big part of that. Like Sarah says, it's hard to choose just five to pass it on to but I decided to look at some of my new(er) contacts in blogging. Here are my choices:

Matthew at Chronic Impending Disaster (even if he DID post that internet dating was for the desperate LOL)
Arifaery at Fighting Labels
MissFlame1 at My Life & Challenges So Far
Lady Amanda at Living With An Invisible Disability (this lady has one of the biggest and warmest hearts in the blogosphere)
Bipolar Geminate

Y'all know I love and adore you - keep up the great blogging and help us all TRY to stay sane(ish).

the only things that I know, I know too well

One of the things I liked most about my new dating partner Colin is when asked in his profile what were the 5 things he couldn't live without, one of the things he chose was "hope". I love that answer, it's something my regular readers know I pride myself on, even when life is at its darkest. But the problem with hope is that is leads to dangerous things like expectation, longing, anticipation, and then the plain vanilla terror of rejection.

I am struggling at the moment with trying to remain hopeful and positive, yet not place too much emphasis on how much Colin is tied up in that -- to hope for the best yet prepare for the worst, perhaps? Since I last wrote we have had another excellent date, one of those dappled afternoons where conversation and laughter flowed over us like the sweetest of waves, and are planning to meet again this coming Wednesday night. He has a lot going on in his life just now, and in many ways the timing is terrible as he leaves soon for a month in the USA. He will be away for my 40th birthday party, which makes me sad, as I know I would have enjoyed it more had he been there. But even knowing him, knowing he exists in the world and may like me, makes me happy. I can survive a month without him, though hopefully we will have progressed slightly further along the dating path by then as things remain ambiguous at the moment. I'm suffering from the "he's just not that into you" blues, whereby the time he spends studying, working, living his life transmogrifies in my mind into dates with other women, avoidance of me, yadayada. Sigh. I am so impatient, just wanting to know once and for all whether he likes me, how much he likes me, where he sees this heading...

It really does one's head in, this balancing act between liking someone and wanting them to like me, yet not actually putting too much emphasis on the importance of same. I don't know how to like Colin without putting my heart into it. I don't think I would like to be someone who could play this weird game of keeping my cards close to my chest. So I think I just need to live and love and all consequences be damned (within reason).

Title from Richard Easton's Pastel Gothic, great local artist