spend your time biting your own neck

(Title from Mumford & Sons Little Lion Man)

It's really quite a challenge to separate my other blog, the weight removal one, from this one. I feel like my journey to fitness and healthy eating is directly related to my journey to sanity. Which is, I suppose, why I am consulting mental health specialists to help with curtailing my emotional eating and bingeing. Which is, I suppose, the battle a lot of us face -- the entertwined illnesses of ED and MH, two evil parasites fighting for control over our mind and body.

Rather than talk in weight, I'll tell you, beloved readers, that in six weeks of this health and wellness program I've shifted my BMI from 47 to 43.4. A downward movement which no doubt will improve my health. I'm still morbidly obese (I kind of like that term...because I AM morbid, in the sense that I'm precoccupied with death LOL) but I'm getting healthier. My goal BMI is probably around 29, which is still overweight but suits my build and my physical health I think.

In general, life has been fairly positive for me since I last wrote. I am planning my vacation to visit my best friend H in Melbourne, which takes place Aug 31 - Sept 6. Three weeks tomorrow - yippee! We are going to eat, drink, gossip and fire each other up in our respective life challenges. I got a fairly large tax refund due to my low income earner status, and therefore am fairly comfortable with money just now. Neil and I are planning a trip overseas next year to Singapore and Thailand, which will be frickin AWESOME and gives me something to work towards with my fitness and saving money.

Apart from a couple of shaky moments, my mental health has been strong. I haven't needed to take Valium for weeks, and the 120mg Cymbalta and 100mg Solian seem to be keeping me stable. I do think the healthier eating has made a difference, and the small amount of exercise. I am hoping to increase my exercise. I've been doing a self-hypnosis/meditation CD that my hypnotherapist gave me which is helping me to sleep, and to curb my overeating. My contract at work has been extended for another couple of months, which is both good and bad. I am happy to not have to look for another contract, but the job is rather boring and I have no friends )-: Basically, aside from the polite hello and goodbye, no-one speaks to me all day. On one hand it's low stress and peaceful, but it kind of drives me mad. After all these months I'm getting bored. And boredom is always dangerous for BPDs.

Things at home are lovely. I adore Neil more every day, and if it wasn't for his slacker teenage son everything would be perfect. But I guess every situation has its challenges! Neil has been super-supportive of my health kick, although he still suggests takeaway now and again. I've been having takeaway occasionally, because at least this way I am incorporating all kinds of food rather than avoiding or restricting too much.

I really do believe that my mental state is a rollercoaster, and I happen to be cruising through an "up" phase. But I am enjoying it while it lasts. It's a relief to feel balanced and relatively positive about things.

We Were Never Being Boring

"The Borderline patient's boredom is hungry and restless. There is a driven quality to it, or as one therapist said "These people are walking responses looking for a stimulus"...the Borderline patient's boredom can quickly turn into a subjective sense of emptiness that is painful and distressing" (Becoming A Constant Object - In Psychotherapy With The Borderline Patient)

Reading a review of the above book did nothing to reassure me that the stigma about BPD patients has lessened. My own shrink laughed when he said "Lots of doctors don't commit to therapy with Borderline Patients as it's just too challenging". Oh, it sucks to be them (except when it's time to give me the $250 bill per session). A sponsored link on the review lead me to The Teddy Bear Therapy Centre - a psychology centre in my own city where (contrary to my fervent hope) the shrinks are not dressed in bear suits, nor do they seem to offer teddy bears for stress-relieving beheadings or dismemberments.

And people wonder why I am losing my mind hahahahahaha!